Hi everyone. I’m Chad Spadders. I’ll be answering some questions that have stumped philosophers for thousands of years. I’m qualified to do this because I’m almost done my Introduction to Western Philosophy 110b course, and also because I have access to Wikipedia.

So… onto the questions! (Or should I say, “onto-logy the questions”? Haha, that’s just a little philosophy joke. I don’t actually know what ontology means.)

Ahem, anyways.

How can one ever know the thing-in-itself (Ding-an-sich)?
Google it.

What is the good life?
The good life is being rich and famous and having the ability to buy fancy clothes or sweet new DVDs–oh, and also having six-pack abs. The way I see it, if everyone was rich and famous, and had six-pack abs, then no one would ever hurt anybody. That’s why they called that gym “GoodLife.” You have to be a philosopher to work there, I’m pretty sure. I think when I finish university, I’m gonna be a personal trainer, but all my workout programs will have Zen Koans written all over them. “What is the sound of one hand bench pressing?”

What is the beautiful?
Christina Hen–or… well, okay, this one time I saw this impressionist painting of a starry night or something, and it made me cry. I swear, it really did. I just saw it, and instantly I just felt incredibly empty and all filled up, right at the same time. It was so vast and profound, maybe even infinite, and yet later I realized that somehow it was all happening inside me. It gave me a sense of wonder, freedom, autonomy and inner space. So maybe the “beautiful” is that. Well, that or Christina Hendricks. She’s so dreamy.

Who is this “I” who claims there is no “I”?
“Me.” Duh! Haha, no, but seriously, what a dumb question.

Is the subject I speak of when I speak the same as the subject who speaks?
Umm…. yes. Yes, definitely. I don’t see why not. Wait, is this just a trick question about pronoun use?

What is the essence Justice?
Legalized marijuana and a lowered drinking age (seriously!). Oh, and pirating movies should also be legal; but to be truly virtuous one must always seed to a 1:1 ratio.

What is Enlightenment?
Oh, I know this one: Sapere Aude! Have the courage to assume you already have wisdom and all the answers to everything. This is a philosophy that hasn’t failed me yet, because I totally bullshitted my entire final paper and got a C+. Immanuel “Kant” beat that! Haha, well, I guess he probably could, actually, but I wanted to go out and get totally drunk that night anyways.